WHEN I SPOKE TO GOD'S SECRETARIAT

By John Aguiar

Inspired by Adnan Sami's song, "Teri unchi shaan hai maula, tu hai sab kuch jaanewala", I tried to call God's office but the line remained continually engaged. Finally , I somehow managed to get through.

The clerk at God's office was very polite.  He asked me the reason for the call. I told him that I needed to talk to God about an urgent matter. The clerk replied that it was not possible to talk to God directly and that he would have to connect me to the personal assistant to God.

He also wanted to know which God I wanted to contact- Hindu,  Catholic, Muslim or any other. Oh, uh! I was taken aback.  But in a moment, I said, " I want to consult that one and only omnipotent God.".

 The clerk then explained to me that there are different sections up there, each representing every religion and the respective God of each religion. He therefore wanted me to tell him my religion so that he could connect me to the right section.

I said, I am not selfish like Adnan Sami asking only for himself. I dont want to speak to God on a particular mattter concerning religion but on General topics which concern everybody, and in fact, humanity as a whole.

"Actually, I don't believe in all those religious affiiations", I explained to the clerk..

My name is John which indicates I am catholic. I am born to a hindu mother, my wife again is hindu. Under these circumstances, what should  I say my religion is? I asked the clerk to suggest the apt section to which I should be connected. The clerk was himself confused, but finally agreed to connect me to the Public Relations Officer in the PR Department in God's office.

The Officer in PR was again confussed and wanted to know from where I was calling.  I told him I was calling from Goa, the land of Golden beaches, land of fish and feni and where songs  are sung and people have fun.

"Oh Goa!" he exclaimed. "Goa, I know, "  he said with palpable glee.  "Okay", he continued, "how is that you are catholic and your wife is a hindu?"

I explained that mixed marriages are now as much in vogue as love marriages

"You people put us in trouble, the whole set up here gets disturbed."  The officer said that there are actually a few heavens and hells each representing different religions. In case of mixed marriages (If not converted ) both  husband and wife would have to be accomodated seperately after their death.

"How do you keep records about conversions and such other matters?" I asked the officer.

He informed me that they have super computers the kind the word will never see.

"I see, "  I said. The case of gods having gone hi-tech, I thought.

The person at the other end kept silent for a while. He then wondered how i could manage to get connected in God's Secretariat in the first place.

"In fact, we don't entertain  calls from the world outside. And who gave you this number?" He had fired a missile. I could not, this time, duck.

I replied that i got these numbers written on a wall in Panaji market and then I made some exercise and found out this number. I could sense that he was upset.

I pleaded that my request be recorded since I am already on the line. "You may put it before the appropriate God later," 

The officer agreed and pressing a button asked me to start speaking after the beep as the message was being recorded, "Oh God we are your children, give us peace, happiness and keep us protected from any kind of diseases. Then I repeated the appeal of Colonial Cousins: " Come back as Rama, come back as Allah, come back as Krishna,Come back as Jesus  ," was what I recorded into the machine.

The officer who heard the message assured that he would out up the message before the God. He said, God helps those who help themselves and advised us to keep cleanliness and take appropriate precautions. (Herald, November 17, 2002)